(To be recited at a steadily-increasing pace and pitch, reaching a manic screech at the end.)
I need that first shot of the morning caffeine;
It helps get me up for my daily routine.
I’m not really fit to see or be seen
Till I’ve had a hit from the coffee machine.
I churned out, one morning, by seven fifteen,
On eight cups of coffee, the verses you’re seeing.
And throughout the day, why I drink it then too
For all of the crises it helps float me through.
And when I’ve more work than one person can do,
I’ll drink it fresh-brewed or as thick as old glue.
You may think it debased, or a tad libertine;
But let me indulge in my vice of caffeine.
I’ve tried to swear off but I keep coming back.
Just when I feel cured then I have an attack.
I know that you think that it’s courage I lack,
But I say it’s coffee, please, I take it black.
It makes me alert while it makes me serene,
So make me a cup from that coffee machine.
While coffee’s the niftiest sin that I’ve seen,
As vices go, verses are almost as keen.
But this one must end ’cause—you know what I mean:
It’s just about time for my klatsch to convene.
So grind up the berries, fill up the tureen,
And brew up a slew of the juice of the bean.